• What stress is.
• Sources of stress.
• How stress impacts health

   Stress

As Americans we are five percent of the world’s population but we consume 65 percent of the world’s psychotropic drugs, tranquilizers and mood enhancers*.  None of these will “cure” stress or anxiety and each has potentially toxic side effects as well as  addictive potential.   We seem to be a population under a tremendous amount of stress and collective malaise.

Our bodies respond to stressful situations by releasing hormones, such as adrenalin and cortisol, which immediately increase our  heart rate and energy level.  In the short-term, these stress hormones help us adapt and survive an unexpected threat.  Like a dog snarling at us or a car suddenly swerving in our lane.  Our arms and legs get a burst of  energy,  our hearts beat faster, blood pressure increases and  everything that’s not essential for survival gets turned off, such as digestion, growth, healing and reproduction,”  Temporarily we think more clearly, and certain aspects of learning and memory are enhanced.  All of this helps us respond  if…  it is an immediate and short-term physical stressor —a real one.” **

The problem is;  non-life-threatening stressors, like worrying about money, the economy, your job or trying to please your boss, also trigger the release of adrenalin and other stress hormones, which, over time, have devastating and life threatening  consequences to your health.  Negative emotions like anger adversely impact health as well.  In his ground breaking book,  Anger Kills, psychologist Redford Williams found that hostile, angry and driven individuals (The type A profile) are more likely to get heart attacks; often fatal.  These individuals (as we have seen in our last posting) typically trigger stress in others.   Bad bosses  (Unaware, driven, dominant and hostile)  have been shown  to be a significant risk factor in triggering heart attacks and other stress related disorders  in the work place.

Our brains can not tell the difference between a real threat or an imagined threat.    Imagining or perceiving a threat  also triggers our fight or flight response.   In this case,  FEAR becomes an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.   Robert Sapolsksy, a leading neuro- scientist and foremost authority on stress  states:   “If you turn on the stress response chronically for purely psychological reasons, you increase your risk of adult onset diabetes and high blood pressure. If you’re chronically shutting down the digestive system, there’s a bunch of gastrointestinal disorders you’re more at risk for as well.”   Studies show that long-term stress  suppresses the immune system, making you more susceptible to infectious diseases,  can  shut down reproduction by causing erectile dysfunction and disrupting menstrual cycles.  If you are chronically stressed, all sorts of aspects of brain function are impaired such as creativity and problem solving.  Research also shows “stress to be a smoking gun in early onset of Alzheimer’s and senile dementia”.  (Singh- Kalsa)  Neurons in the parts of the brain relating to learning, memory and judgment don’t function well under chronic  stress and have been shown to die off.

The bottom line is:   For whatever reason, if you are chronically stressed,  like so many of us in these uncertain times,  you are more at risk for heart disease and many of the other leading causes of death in our Westernized life.”  (Sapolsky)   My next posting will highlight practical ways to effectively manage stress, cultivate calmness, and cope more effectively with the complexities of life.  Stay tuned!

In the meantime, breath deeply; (at least three times)  this helps by  oxygenating the brain,  “flushing” out stress hormones and  allows you to better respond versus reacting.  Reacting tends to keeps us stuck in the situation we are resisting.   Remember; “we don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are”.    (Anais Nin)

 Resources and References

*Richard Wolf, PhD;   Sun Magazine Feb. 2012 “Capitalism and its Discontents -What Went Wrong”  

** Robert SapolskyPH.D ;  Stress the Portrait of a Killer, National Geographic, DVD

Anger Kills: Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility That Can Harm Your Health;   Redford Williams MD, Virginia Williams, PH.D

Brain Longevity: The Breakthrough Medical Program That Improves Your Mind and Memory , Dharma Singh Kalsa, MD & Cameron Stauth

Personality styles under stress or tension are as follows;

D – Drivers/ Dominant – have a tendency to Dominate, Attack, Push the envelope – (My way or highway)

I – Expressive – have a tendency to Blame, Criticize, Be sarcastic, Or even acquiesce

S – Amiable / Steadiness – have a tendency to withdraw, oblige or tolerate.

 C – Analytic / Compliant – have a tendency to avoid, justify, criticize  or complain.

As a reference for the closest comparisons to Peoplemap personality types (Lillibridge, Mathis 1992):

Leader = D / Driver / Director

Free Spirit = I / Expressive / Socializer

People = S / Amiable / Relater

Task = C / Analytical / Thinker

 Under stress each type tends to overuse their strengths –  potentially triggering defensive behaviors of the other types around them.  This in turn escalates conflict and tension in working relationships thus adversely impacting productivity and morale.  Note: each type can trigger the others also by staying in their relative comfort zones.

When triggered into their fight or flight response (real or imagined threat) individuals naturally react to the other according to their type: this is how the very thing we want most is pushed away.    The likelihood of each moving to their stress or danger zone is increased, further raising the likelihood for non productive behaviors, negativity and outcomes.

Leader type triggers (Perceived) —

• Non-productive workers
• Non-efficiency
• Repeated mistakes
• Loss of control
  • Incompetence
  • Passive aggressive behaviors.
  • Irrationality (Emotional response.)
  • Lack of logical basis for decisions
  • Failure to address competence after it has been identified
  • Not working hard

When angry regarding those aspects above, Leader types can have a no holds barred approach to conflict. Tempers may flare in either soft or loud tones.  Either way, others know of their displeasure and may retreat or cower from their anger or irritation.

People type triggers (Perceived) —

• Not feeling valued or respected
• Being taken advantage of
• Not being listened to
• Feeling unjustly criticized
• Failure to respond to personal inquiry
• Lack of attention to personal needs
• Perceived condescension, insensitivity.
• Focus on “it” or “task” rather than on the individual’s needs
• Failure to acknowledge efforts
• Judgmental

When angry…..People types often become passive aggressive (The power of the powerless) turn inward, so communication they crave becomes beyond their reach.  They are not good at expressing their emotions when under “assault” so their tendency is to shut down.  Their brain ceases to “exist” as it normally does and it almost is if they retreat and become numb to what is being said. This can be especially vexing to leader types.

Task type triggers (Perceived) —

• Work, work, work, and work some more…
• Feeling dumped on continuously as others know they will do what it takes to get the job done
  • Lack of attention to detail
  • Not given enough direction
  • Lack of verification of information
  • Failure to follow through as specifically described
  • Inefficiency
  • Laziness

When angry….Task types also tend to shut down and throw themselves even more into their work – sometimes losing track of the big picture.  They can be perceived as being critical, inflexible and judgmental; which can be especially difficult for People types as well as Free Spirits not to mention frustrating to Leader types!

Free Spirit type triggers (Perceived) —

• Feeling ridiculed for their contributions
• Not appreciated
• Not having ideas listened to.
• Demeaned if not part of status quo
• Being micromanaged and questioned
• Not having room or enough freedom to innovate
• Over emphasis on rules
• Others not being able to see the “big picture”

Free Spirits will likely rebel or leave a situation…they may simply walk away. What may be worse; they stay and remain unhappy: not feeling valued or appreciated. The more they feel controlled, micromanaged or not listened too the more rebellious they can become.

To transform negative emotions to constructive use can be as simple as ABC :

• A:  Affect Acknowledge the anger or emotion your are feeling  e.g. I feel misunderstood, frustrated, hurt,  etc
• B: Behavior. When you… showed up late, didn’t meet the deadline, etc..
• C: Call for action (Choice).  I need you to:.  Be at work on time, honor your commitment etc.

By understanding the message of our emotions and using an assertive approach like this; we can create healthier, more productive relationships, get our needs met and live a more successful and empowered life.  Regardless of type, we all need to be able to state our needs in a calm straightforward and specific way.    If each is willing to listen and cultivate empathy for the other, the resulting positive shift in interpersonal  dynamics can immediate and profound!   Try it out!!

Throughout History from the Greeks to modern day,  there appear to be four primary personality types.  Although there are differences in ways they are described with some approaches  having more depth and others describing similar aspects of personality in differing ways .. there is a striking thread that is common to each.

Below are the four quadrants that people fall under:

                                                                       Expressive, creative, Free Spirited orientation.

|

Relationship people orientation _________________|_____________________  Driver, leader, results orientation

(Soft Skills)                                                                                                    |                                                                    (Hard skills)

|

                                                                                            Analytical, detail, task orientation

Most of us are a combination of two.  I bet y0u can pretty much pinpoint where you are on the grid.   For instance, I fit more in  the relationship and expressive quadrant which is ideal for my work as a coach,  trainer, writer and speaker/teacher.

We can’t know our selves until we know others and we can’t know others unless we know ourselves.   The maxim “know thyself” goes as far back as Socrates and is as important today as it was then.   Psychologist James Hollis stated, “The prevailing source of conflict between individuals arises from differences in personal typologies”  With the  knowledge of your template and insight into others template you can better relate, parent, manage, motivate, mentor, develop and work with others who are different than you.  Had I known this when I was a sales trainer, I could have doubled the universe of people I was effective with.    Also by understanding our own  template of how we view relationships, work and our communication style, we are in a position to have greater empathy, handle conflict more productively and be better able to form more collaborative working relationships as well as more rewarding personal ones.

A hallmark of psychological maturity is being able to fully accept yourself.  This enables us to be able to better accept others.  When we are healthy, we are able to be flexible in dealing with others and willing to own how we impact those around us.   If we slight or hurt someone, the appropriate response is to feel remorse and work at making things right.   Judging someone means we don’t understand them.  Typically we screen out the data or qualities that don’ match our judgement and act in ways that make the other person behave to justify how we already feel.    When we are able to let go of judging and be more “accepting” we can better deal with behaviors that may be unacceptable or counterproductive rather than blaming or shutting someone down.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow discovered – when our relationship needs are met we are freed to pursue higher levels needs like meaning and purpose.  For workplaces to be more productive and to be able to foster higher  performing teams and ‘Peak Performance;   ” a supportive environment allows individuals to work at  higher levels of complexity”.  Kurt Fischer PhD ( Harvard)

With most conflict arsing out of simple differences in personality type,  I am convinced that we all can  “learn” how to better get along with each other.  The next blog posting will address how each type deals with stress and how each may “trigger” the other into anger anger or withdrawal.    Stay tuned!

Psychologists after Freud believed that the our egos have higher level needs such as a need for meaning and purpose.  (Frankel)  When our basic safety and shelter needs are met,  affiliation needs become very important. When affiliation needs are met, the  higher levels needs for meaning purpose and individuation become more important.   (Maslow, Rollo May)

So what does this have to do with leadership?

The foundation for conscious leadership is to be aware.  To be aware of self, others, what really matters, and as much as possible to the larger world in which we play and work.  When the ego is immature, we are selfish.  “It is all about me”  which is an egocentric orientation.  In the next stage of ego development we care about:  our family, tribe, company, political party, religion, etc.  the focus is more “ it is about us“  This is an  ethnocentric point of view.     The third stage of ego development is a much larger sense of  “I” . “I care about all of us.”   This is a world-centric orientation – A  movement from identifying with race, political, party, religion etc,  to a fuller awareness that I am not only:  a white male or female,  Christian or Jewish, black or white, Hispanic, Democrat or Republican but an American and; ultimately a  human like everyone else.  In a Spiritual sense  it is  “feeling” or realizing a shared connection to all people and with all of  life.  Desmond Tutu embodies this  awareness with his teaching that “we are all family!”

The sense of separation and feeling disconnected  has gotten us in trouble.  Since the ego always wants more and more, has a need to be right and defend itself,  it can never be satisfied. No amount of material wealth, power or privilege will ever be enough.  Almost like a hungry ghost – always consuming – never satisfied.  Elkhart Tolle states ” The biggest fear of the ego  is:  The truth!      This feeling of isolation and disconnect from self, others and the transcendent  leads to consumerism  and looking to the outside for validation and worth.

When fixated in an ethnocentric state of consciousness – I feel a sense of belonging and connection to my “tribe” but  separate and better than those that have different belief’s  religion, political view-point, culture etc.  Kenneth Wilbur’s research indicates that 70% of the world’s population is in an ethnocentric stage of  moral and ego development.  Is it any wonder that we are collectively in the trouble we are currently experiencing with the global financial meltdown, income disparities in the US, international and cultural conflicts to name but a few?   When combined with superior technologies in the form of weapons and economic power, and mixed with high levels of cognitive intelligence, an ethnocentric group tends to serve the goals of its members at the expense of others while convinced their beliefs  and actions are moral and “self”-righteous.   The result;  unending conflict with more and more sophisticated tools to use for defense and applying against the “out” groups.    Which seems to be one  of the recurring themes and dilemmas we are living though today.

With technology reaching warp speed and our collective moral and ego development lagging far behind we all have our work to do!  Maria Von Franz widely recognized as a foremost authority in psychoanalytic theory wrote that “Specialization leads to ego inflation”  In other words the more specialized a person’s knowledge is, the greater the risk of  hubris.  She cautions we all need to be vigilant against ego inflation.   For when we become  well-educated or  successful we can be too easily be seduced into thinking  that we are better than others  because of:  our looks, degrees, success, religion political view points etc.   This feeling of superiority or arrogance can and does lead to treating others not like us in inhumane and inequitable ways .

Von Franz, at the end of her life warned:  “The greatest threat to civilization is ego inflation”    So, is there hope for the world?  Carl Jung’s answer to this is:  There is hope for the world if enough people do their work – their inner work.   As Einstein stated, the thinking that got us into trouble will not get us out.   If  enough people and leaders grow or develop  to a more world-centric or it’s about all of us view and internal compass;  I believe too; there is hope for the world.   In every crisis there is an opportunity for growth.   Currently we are fast approaching the point when the pain of not changing is becoming greater than the fear of change.     The time is now for each of us in our own unique ways to become part of the solution.  You will find your leadership at the intersection of the world’s needs and your talents.  Listen to your heart.

Peter Metzner

Nov. 5, 2011

Society and the media especially condition us to think  that something outside of ourselves will make us happy or fulfilled. Think of the onslaught of Television commercials viewers are exposed to on a daily basis. If you are an adult and watching TV at night you are exposed to every imaginable pill that that will take care of:  Aches and pain, acid reflux, arthritis, depression, sexual dysfunction, to name but a few.  Advertisers would like us to  think there is  a pill for every ill.    Not to mention the clothes, cosmetics, cars, vacation getaways  presented  to make you think you need them to be happy.   Advertising is Classical Conditioning at its best or worst depending how you view it.   If we see something over and over again – regardless of whether it is true or not we tend to believe what we are seeing.  Since our brain is usually more active when we are asleep than we we are watching TV – being in a relaxed semi- meditative state makes us more susceptible to being influenced by the images and messages we see over and over again.

Ekhard  Tolle states:  “If something out side of your self is the reason you are happy then you are hostage to it.”      In my 12 years of coaching, training, and teaching Psychology; I have yet to find evidence of a link between material wealth and fulfillment and happiness.   If we are happy, material comforts and financial independence can enhance our sense of well being… however if we are unhappy  we are  like hungry ghosts -always searching and consuming  – never satisfied.  “Having more things does not make an unhappy person happy”.  No amount of riches, material comfort, business success, distractions, etc. can make us happy if we are anxious, driven, unhappy, suffering from low self esteem or lack of meaning and purpose in our lives.

Happiness is a by-product having a purpose, finding meaning, enjoying “good” relationships and feeling like we are making a difference in the world around  us.  We cannot be psychologically mature unless we feel like we are making a contribution to to the world or leaving it in a better state than we found it.  (Erickson) I am not saying it is wrong to want to be affluent and have financial security and travel the world.  I like striving for these things as well.     Maturity and mental health come from knowing who we are, being responsible for our behaviors, knowing our strengths and weaknesses, accepting and loving ourselves thus being able to accept and love others.  (Marion Woodman)  Affluence in the fullest sense is knowing what matters, going after what is truly right,  meaningful, having a sense of being connected to something larger than ourselves and  having healthy and supportive relationships. In other words: claiming our personal authority, knowing we all have a purpose for being here,  finding our own unique personal connection to the transcendent and world around us.

Living in the past

Imagine going to a photo shop and having film developed. (Remember the days before digital cameras?) You take out of the package some negatives to view.  You look through one and  put another negative in front of the other. What do you see?  Probably a blurry picture with the first picture obstructing the much of the view of the second.  in a similar way, we view our  present circumstances through the lenses of past experiences.  What happened to me before is clouding the experience I am having right now.  So if I hadn’t bonded well with a primary caregiver such as my mom or dad, this can become the template I view future relationships.    Inadvertently, unconsciously (of course)   transferring and projecting the experiences, emotions and interpersonal dynamics from this first “picture” on to the experiences I am having right now.   Our mind is like an analog computer constantly searching the data base for similarities to past hurts, threats and fears causing us to see and react to the present in similar ways we learned and reacted  to the past.

The good news is; when we become aware of this,  we are able to have choices in how we respond to what is presently happening.    When unaware, it is as if we are on  autopilot tending to create and recreate similar patterns from our past – resisting the role we are playing  in our current situations,  believing that what we are living is created outside of ourselves.  Feeling like a victim is a good example of this.

Psychologist Harvel Hendricks wrote;  “Everywhere I go and everywhere I may be, I see mommy and daddy and they see me!”  If we choose to stay unaware, we often recreate and carry into our relationships very similar dynamics as we experienced from our family of origin.  Cruel isn’t it?   We can fall deeper  into  self deception by making assumptions like:  he makes me feel this way or if I wasn’t married to her I would be happy.  Unfortunately while half of marriages end up in divorce; second marriages have around a 60%  plus divorce rate.  We often marry the same person as our ex – just different hair color eye color etc.  Same  person basically just different packaging.  If you think some magical other will make you happy, then guess what?  That “special” person may then become the cause of your unhappiness once the honeymoon is  over!   Just because you have a different partner doesn’t mean that you have learned to dance.

If there are some areas of your life in which you are feeling stuck or are not to your liking; here are some questions to consider.

Is what I am experiencing a familiar or recurring dynamic? 

When did  I first experience this ?

What other  recurring patterns I am experiencing or recreating in my life?

When and with who did these patterns start?

What is the story or belief about myself  that is behind my being stuck in these repetitive situations?

  What role did or am I  playing  in this or these relationships not being as healthy or supportive as I would like?  (Could be career  relationships as well.)

Answering these questions truthfully can be a great journal exercise and enlightening as well.

Once we become more aware and are responsible for our situations we have choices.  We are able to intentionally create and live more closely to our authentic self, needs and values.    If I realize I am attracted to needy people who will take advantage of my generosity;  and realize an unconscious need to create dependencies (rescuing) so I feel accepted;  I can make  better and healthier choices. I might want to consider; In what ways do I need rescuing?   It can be painful to recognize that I have set myself up – that  it why it is easier to blame others  for my conditions.  However, this won’t change anything except fuel  co- dependent or conflicted relationships. Co-dependency we can define as a  hostile dependency.   Often we stay in unhealthy relationships – painful as they are because they either fill an unconscious need; affirm a limiting belief about ourselves  or allow us to play a life script that we unconsciously living. (Like the good boy/girl  or caretaker)   The discomfort of this realization can be very painful but it can set one on the path to having needs met in conscious and healthier ways.   Awareness sets the stage in which  the healing can take place and helps identify what needs to be done to have  more fulfilling relationships as well as a meaningful career or vocation.

The list of ways we recreate our past can be exhausting :  Like a thermostat setting,  we often made up a stories about ourselves  based on  early prior experiences from our family of origin.  This “setting” is often unconscious and thus more powerful in directing us to experience  over and over again the emotionally charged core ideas  we adopted about who we are and what is real.  It could be words from an angry parent, a sibling or bullies from school that we accepted as true.   Being so young,  we simply didn’t know any better.

When our needs are not met or we feel we are not understood, are shamed, neglected, abused or abandoned or feel stuck ;  some of the more common, emotionally charged core ideas are:

I am: 

Not lovable

Good enough

Smart enough

Pretty or handsome enough

Deserving or capable

Can’t trust

Needing  to be perfect (to be accepted or acceptable) 

Something happened long ago ,  we made up a story;  something else happened,  and we made up an assumption about ourselves.    These stories we made up then “set” or became a part of our identity and the template in which we view the world. They became a part of “scripts” we started operating from.   Unknowingly, the thermostat became set – before we could be aware that the setting can be changed.   We took it for granted, co-created relationships, experiences, emotional states and engaged the world in ways that are congruent with these assumptions; constantly finding evidence for these self limiting beliefs and associated pain.   Believing is seeing.   Tony Robbins states  “The mind sees what the heart feels”.  Psychologist Eric Berne found, ” We act in ways to make others behave in order to justify how we  feel”.  Even if the feelings are unconscious.

Since the “outer” world conforms to our inner experience;  we often don’t challenge the stories we made up from these early experiences.    It is like shooting an arrow into a wall and then drawing a bulls eye around it.  We think that this is simply the way it is.

Our self esteem, self image and expectations align themselves to this reality that we have unwittingly co-created yet so often resist.   Otherwise highly intelligent, creative and talented people are stuck or trapped by these unconscious self limiting beliefs.   The outer world that is experienced on a daily basis mirrors these beliefs and the illusion appears as real.  How about that for magic!   You thought only magicians could make illusions appear as real.   You/ we have unconsciously been powerful magicians making illusions or delusions appear as real as the sky is blue.   Yorum Kaufman writes:  ‘”Our capacity for self deception is truly monumental”.   If you want to see what is going on in your inner world take a look at the outer and you will see a perfect match.

The encouraging news is: these made up stories based on interpretations from childhood pain can be adjusted.  We need to realize that as children and for that matter as teenagers we were “Ego Centric and Narcissistic”.  This means it is all about me.  The world revolves around me, the sun rises and sets because of me and the reason Dad drank or left or Mom hit me is because of me.  If these assumptions are not challenged they can become integrated into our identity, often suppressed or repressed because they are painful. Resulting fear and anxiety often comes from:  “I don’t want to feel the pain and hurt I am trying to block” or  “I am afraid I will be left or hurt again”.

Depending on the severity of the empathy deficits , emotional, or physical pain experienced:  Anger and rage simmer, (suppressed or repressed)  fester and can erupt and leak out in very destructive ways.  We can also become emotionally insulated and detached as well – so as not get hurt again.        We  perceive the world through these lenses of beliefs and or pain– focus on the data that supports these assumptions even when they are unconscious.  “Whether we know it or not we steer the ship of our experiences based on the prevailing beliefs of who we are and what is real”  (Fielding Institute) Almost like being on autopilot with faulty programming!

For example,  with mistrust the story usually is “You can’t trust anyone – they leave you!”  Or people take advantage (never mind that I have been training them to do so.)  To change these beliefs, first we need to be aware that they are there.  Our unconscious beliefs, attitudes and emotions can and often sabotage our prized endeavors. ( Jim Farr ) Once we are conscious and aware we have choices; for “what we are unaware of manifest itself as fate”  Carl Jung.  We need to do our work!

What to do about it

First, notice how the false self stories you may have adopted are playing out in your life.  Like a scientist and without judging,  observe  how your experiences may be a mirror for these emotionally charged self limiting beliefs.

What does fear make you do? What does fear keep you from doing?    Now imagine what your life will be like as you let go of any of these self limiting beliefs and fears.  What would you do? Who would you be with?     If you let go of fear, imagine what you could do!

When you are aware,  calm, self forgiving, accepting  and open; you are  less likely to be hostage to reliving the past and stories you’ve made up about who you are.   You are more able to live from your true self and create more affirming beliefs.   (If we make it all up.. why not make up something that works better?)     You are now ready to start answering  deeper questions like:  “Whose life have I been living?”;   How do I start living my life and answer the summons of  my soul?  How do I embark on my hero’s journey? What actions do I need to start taking.. Now!

The truth will set you free – but it can be very painful and can challenge cherished belief’s.   “Moral certainty is the enemy of truth”.  (Unknown)  Black and white thinking, rigidity of beliefs, the need to be right can alleviate the anxiety that comes from ambiguity,  uncertainty and keep one from being open to the mystery of life. (James Hollis)

One of the major reasons we resist growth is because it is painful.

Yet many of our addictions, ideological attachments, and neurosis are flights from suffering.   (James Hollis)

• —One in four North Americans identify with fundamentalist belief systems  seeking to unburden their journey with simplistic black and white thinking and the certainty of a leader or dogma.
• —25 – 50% suffer from one type of addiction or another.
• —The remainder have chosen to be neurotic – that is to defend against the wounding of life. (Hollis)

It takes commitment, intention and strength to take ownership and responsibility for our role in what is happening around us,  to claim our personal authority and intentionally go after what really matters.

Below are stages of change that occur when we have the courage and commitment  to take responsibility for our actions and behaviors.

Four Stages of Change

1) Unconscious Incompetency

2) Conscious Incompetency

3) Conscious Competency

4) Unconscious Competency

“What we don’t know or are unaware of manifests itself as fate.” (Carl Jung)

“What we are unaware of eats our lunch” James Hollis

Those unsavory, immoral or incompetent aspects of ourselves that we try to repress, suppress or hide from often leech out in very destructive ways. When we are unaware of them  in ourselves,  (Visit my prior blog on our Shadow)   we see them in others (projection). In other words,  those parts of myself that I am unaware of; will come out and sabotage what I consciously want.    These shadowy aspects of myself will keep me from enjoying the success, relationships and happiness that is my birthright.   As long as I blame others or something outside of myself, and do not take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and behaviors I will stay stuck.

Inadvertently,  the very conditions we resist and struggle against get reenacted over and over again. The names, the places,  the people may change but the themes repeat.. In other words, we are in the same play in a different setting;  with a different set of characters.

In these postings, we have built the case that we view the world through our emotional pain and wounds and wound others by and from our pain.   This is  “The wounded wounder” .   For example if someone feels unlovable;  he or she will act in unlovable ways and the treatment they get will then mirror and reinforce this paradigm.  In essence,  believing is seeing.   We  screen out data that doesn’t match our belief system or self image  and see those things will justify our thinking and feeling the way we do.   We can stay stuck in repetitive cycles for months, years, even a lifetime.  Causing and reliving the pain with the story we made up ourselves experienced many years ago.  Yet so desperately we flee from.  This is why we all need to do our inner work.  Carl Jung was asked in lecture; is there hope for the world?   His answer:  There is if enough people do their inner work.

When we take responsibility for our behaviors with their  impact on self and others;  we become freer and more empowered.  This is a major part of psychological maturity – owning our behaviors and the role we have played in co-creating  our life’s situations.  Whatever wounding or pain that  happened  in the past,  it is crucial to realize:  “I am not what happened to me I am who I chose to become”!  First though, we must become aware of the stories or judgements  we accepted from others about us, the ones we  made up about ourselves, the lies we may have bought into, the pain we are avoiding  and how self limiting beliefs are playing out in our lives. This can be a lifetime task.  However as Socrates wrote; “an unexamined life is a life not worth living”.   One needs commitment,  courage,   strength and humility to embark on this journey.  Once started, there is no turning back.

Stage two (Conscious Incompetency) is a doozy!   Sometimes it takes a failed relationship, job loss or crisis in the family to get to this stage of self awareness.  “When the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing, change occurs”.  (Anonymous)  My hope is; by you reading this, it will help get to this stage  before something “bad” happens of which you can no longer deny your role.   Once we can own our role in the dysfunction around us – we are now ready to grow and change.  As a life and leadership  coach, I cannot work with anyone unless they are willing to look at the role they have played in the situation they do not like.  If  you cannot own your role in your unhappiness and the unhappiness around you, please exit this blog  and make an appointment for therapy.  It is very difficult to change, grow and create a better life if  we “choose” not to take responsibility for our actions or inaction.  Unfortunately those  who need coaching or therapy  the most tend to resist it most strenuously. The crazy person is absolutely convinced that they are not crazy.  Everyone else is.  It is like someone throwing hand grenades and then saying look at all these explosions!  What a crazy world.  We do this collectively as well as individually (more on this later).     If you think you are crazy keep reading.  This will help you in the hunt to become sane.   It takes courage, security and ego strength to endure the humility,  discomfort, remorse  or pain in the realization of the role we play in impacting  everyone around us for better or worse. It is easier to blame the “other” for our pain or misery or lack of success than to take responsibility.  Shame, remorse and guilt play an important role in our growth especially when we can connect them to a wrong we have done that needs to be righted.  In every major wisdom tradition, humility is seen as necessary for a healthy relationship to the transcendent.  Most religions value humility above other qualities.    Humility is like chemotherapy to the inflated ego and is necessary for growth and healthy relationships.  Confucius wrote  ” humility is the solid foundation of all virtues”.  Wisdom is often considered a relative to humility.   It allows us to be open and non judgmental to our own flaws and thus non judgmental towards others.

When we are stuck in shame, or guilt, it is unproductive and keeps us from moving forward.  We recreate patterns of experience to reinforce these feelings and associated beliefs.    Unfortunately, taking the easy way out by evading responsibility keeps us stuck in  habitual ways of feeling thinking and behaving.    Self medication though alcohol, drugs, or addictive behaviors like the internet, TV, video games, compulsive sex, work a holism,  etc.  are driven by negative emotions we are trying escape. The diversion works only temporarily and after the initial rush or euphoria the behavior brings,  anxiety, pain depression or boredom come back and will need to be medicated or diverted again.  The function of an addiction is to manage anxiety.  An addiction is simply anything you can’t stop doing.  Unfortunately this coping mechanism usually leads to a train wreck of dysfunctional or  failed relationships, physical & psychological depletion, greater pain to self and others,  a stagnant career or even derailment.

The good news is;   Once we gain knowledge and understanding of why we engage in self defeating and harmful behaviors, we can make a choice or intention to shift.  With knowledge and understanding, compassion to self and others,  pain and suffering  goes away.  Pain and suffering can teach us and be a guide to what needs to be addressed in our lives.  Rather than flee the pain;  insights are asking to be discovered. So: what we resist persists and can grow stronger.  What we face with courage and humility becomes manageable and less likely to drive us in self defeating ways.

Stage three.  (Conscious Competency) Are you are still reading?  Great!  At this stage you are ready to start trying out new behaviors, adopt healthier attitudes and beliefs that will serve you better. You have reached a milestone in psychological maturity.  That is you have accepted yourself.  Warts and all.    By accepting this complete package called you – pain, suffering, bad behaviors as well as your gifts and attributes, you are better able to accept others and have healthier and rewarding relationships. When you truly love yourself you no longer will allow others to treat you with disrespect or take advantage of you.  You will treat your self better.   When you have a healthy sense of yourself.  You will find yourself  less likely to judge, condemn and cripple others by  negativity and anger.  By letting go of  negative patterns and habits  and accepting others as they are; not how you want them to be;  transformation  takes place.  This allows you to create and impact the world and others around you intentionally rather than unconsciously.  Over 90% of conflicts would evaporate if we made an intention to listen more, give up the need to be right and start practicing  habits of the heart like empathy and compassion.  With negative energy dissipating and emotional healing taking place, a natural movement to personal  empowerment, a drive towards greater meaning and purpose, healthier and more fulfilling relationships seems to happen almost automatically.

Stage four (Unconscious Competency)   is like driving.   Remember the first time you were behind the wheel of the car?  It was awkward, uncomfortable and unnatural – maybe even a little fearful.  However, with practice and repetition your driving became so natural and effortless (for the most part) that you are now doing it almost automatically.

Most of our behaviors are automatic and habitual. The biggest difference between successful and unsuccessful or self defeating individuals are their habits.  Since we are slaves to our habits – why not be driven by good habits?   Research shows that it takes about 30 days to form a new habit. Commitment and intention lay the foundation for implementing new behaviors.   When we say: I will or I am or I intend to with conviction and stay with it – as time goes new positive and affirming behaviors become natural.

By forgiving those that hurt us;  we free ourselves.   When we  no longer hold someone else responsible for our condition in life – it allows us to move forward .   That doesn’t mean allowing anyone to hurt,  abuse or take advantage of us – Sometimes we have to find the right distance to love someone.. even if it is far way.  By forgiving those that caused us pain, forgiving and loving ourselves;  we are now better able to chart our own course and claim our personal authority.  One of the hardest yet most important things we can do is to find out what is right for us and go for it. (Carl Jung)  We are each on a hero’s journey.  If we avoid this summons we have missed the purpose of our being here.

Denial: Never underestimate the Power of Denial.  As long as I can deny my role in creating  what is around me,  I am protected against the pain that is necessary for growth and a healthier or more successful approach to dealing with an unpleasant or painful situation. Classic denial sounds like this:     “I am not controlling, my son would never do that!  If my co-workers weren’t so negative I would do better;  It is her/her fault’!   I do the drugs the drugs don’t do me!  I haven’t missed work – so I am not an alcoholic. etc…..

It is better to stung by reality than be comforted by an illusion.  (Chinese proverb)  We tend to fear what we think will cause us pain – so therefore;  if i can deny my role in the malaise around me I don’t have to change .  It takes strength and fortitude to be responsible for our actions and to own our role in what we are co-creating.  When we take responsibility for our feelings, our role in how our lives are that’s when we take a big step towards personal empowerment.

Displacement. A lot of our pent up emotions like, anger, anxiety or fear often gets displaced on to others. Lets say;  I had a bad day at work and am angry.  My wife asks me how I am doing and I snap at her.  Since we don’t like to experience  negative emotions like anger we easily displace them on to others. Temporarily we feel a respite by discharging them;  unfortunately they come back to haunt us in the pain inflicted on others close to us.  The pain we avoid and displace or misplace comes back to in many ways. If  we stay unaware then the cycle keeps on repeating and often escalates.    After the tragedy of  911,  many  psychologists noticed a spike in spousal abuse, child abuse, road rage and violence at sporting events.  Among the military the divorce rate for soldiers serving in combat zones  is around  90%!   The anger rage, pain and trauma that is held deep inside will come out in an awful vengeance – like lighting that is attracted by a tall tree or post.  Sadly the recipients of this rage also suffer tremendous pain as well.   We tend to see the world though our emotional wounds  and wound others through or by our emotional pain.

“An act of patience in place of anger will prevent one hundred hours of suffering”  (Chinese proverb)

Most of our behaviors are unconscious.  When conscious we have choices.  What we are unaware of will eat our lunch or as Carl Jung states “What we are unaware of will manifest as fate”

Below is a model  of how being unconscious can sabotage our personal authority.

Three are three types of games that Eric Berne has outlined in his book “Games People Play”:

Victim                        Persecutor

Rescuer

The victim games sounds something like this: Poor pitiful me – ain’t it awful!

People are not nice,  If I didn’t have this boss, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, kids etc.  I would be happy, successful or feel better.   The pay off  from being a victim is: it is somebody else’s fault for my feeling bad, being stuck and not getting my needs met.   It is not unusual for a person who feels like a victim to become a persecutor.   Bullies on the play ground as well as in the office have often been victimized at some point in their lives.

The Persecutor games look something like this:  I am angry at you because:

You did this, or are this or I can’t trust you, you are incompetent or let me down. Thus I need to control you, can criticize you, demean you,  judge you and treat you badly. Because it is your fault!  – You deserve it!  It doesn’t take much of a judgment or reason to treat people with disrespect or try to control them.  A simple  belief“she is incompetent” is all it takes to start controlling, putting down, shutting down and justifying arrogant and demeaning behavior.    To Persecute – a victim is needed and one  seems to find the other or can even create the other in a work, personal or family relationship.  A Persecutor can create a victim out of an otherwise healthy person – if that person doesn’t set adequate boundaries or is not unassertive.    A victim can also make an otherwise “good”: person, boss, husband wife etc..  into a persecutor by ‘”acting in a way to make the other behave in order to justify how they already feel” . (Berne)

A Rescuer is someone who themselves needs nurturing, whose needs have not been fully addressed.  They often express  this by being driven to help others, rescue animals and inadvertently focus  so much on others needs and healing,  that their wounds – their needs often remain unmet.  Sometimes this can get out of control when there are not enough emotional, physical or financial resources to help the people or animals that are now dependent on the rescuer benevolence.

Sometimes we can be all three. In the case of domestic abuse, a person can feel powerless at work or victimized by life (I.e abused as a child).   Then at home can be abusive,  by taking out frustrations, anger, rage and pain on their wife or husband and kids.    After being abusive and seeing the pain that has been caused, the persecutor can  feel genuinely remorseful and then become a rescuer…   Saying I am so sorry, buying flowers or trying to make it up in some other way.       The cycle perpetuates often escalating to greater hurt, pain and violence.  When the persecutor wounds his (usually him) victim (usually her) he also wounds and shuts out that part of himself that needs love and wants intimacy.  The frustration, pain and loneliness becomes sometime too great a burden to carry.  It is easier to blame the other for our condition than to look at ourselves – When too insecure, it is very painful and it is  pain we try to avoid.  Sadly though what we resist – persists and the butcher’s bill eventually comes due.   This could be a separation,  job loss child running away, anxiety, addiction , etc.  This pain opens the door for healing to place.  For many, when the pain of not changing  becomes great than the fear or resistance to change change occurs.   It doesn’t have to take a crisis to start doing our work.     Once we take responsibility for the role in what are creating and see pain and suffering as a means towards growth we stop blaming others or the situation for our condition.  This is the foundation for psychological maturity.    By owning and accepting the discomfort and pain our behaviors have caused,  conflicted relationships can heal , marital discord can clear , anxiety diminishes,  simmering rage, depression can lighten. there will be less of a need to:  self medicate, escape through work holism, shop, the internet or TV to name but a few ways we escape from pain and negative emotions.  When we no longer need to keep malaise hidden behind a facade of self righteousness. accomplishment or a high powered role, we become more authentic and move in the direction of growth and healing.  The movement towards claiming personal authority is taking place.      Until we recognize these often unconscious dynamics and become more aware,  we can be driven and triggered to  automatically co-create the very things we don’t want,  fear and resist.

What could be a better definition of hell?  Or at least crazy.  Remember the crazy person is absolutely convinced that he or she is not crazy. If you are reading this and think you are crazy, then you are not crazy.  Thinking you are crazy isn’t going to hurt you.   Rather,  it allows you to be in the hunt for getting sane.

My next posting will cover the  four stages of change.

Projection: Of course you have heard of the “Pot calling the Kettle Black”?  Here is how projection works:

Whatever I don’t like or recognize in myself when I see it in you I will become angry!  The key to understanding projection is the emotional charge we feel in an encounter with someone else. What I don’t like (or what I do like) is usually a quality I have that I am not aware of or owning.  A quality like rudeness (which we don’t like to own) often gets projected onto to others. When we experience someone else being rude we get angry and upset.   It is almost like being in a hall of mirrors – the outer reality we see is  in many ways a reflection of the projection of our inner reality.  Almost like a movie projector projecting onto a a screen. In this case the screen is our lives.  So if deep down inside one feels unlovable,  he will act in a way to make others behave to justify how he (or she secretly feels).   He will then tend to make an assumption that people are:  not nice or mean spirited or can’t be trusted.   Thus perpetuate painful relationships at work or with friends or family.   It is like a being  magician  fooling  himself  into thinking the illusion of what is being experienced is real!

If one is not aware of being critical and judgmental;  then  interactions with someone who is perceived to have these qualities will often trigger anger and hurt.   The tendency to judge or treat others disrespect can be justified because they deserve it!    Remember there are compelling payoffs to this.  It feels good to believe we are superior or better than the person we judge. It gives a false sense of security and even power.   We don’t have to change or suffer the shame, guilt or remorse that comes along with the realization we have wronged someone or imprisoned them in our judgments about them.

This self defeating orientation though  keeps us stuck and prevents us from having the healthy and collaborative relationships we need to be healthy and generative in our work and life.   It is particularly hurtful when rigid principles or religious beliefs are held.   If I believe that I am good and right and my way is the only way – and you don’t believe what I believe you must be wrong, misguided, even evil.   My principles or faith can be used to justify to treating you badly,  judging you or with contempt.    For example if you think your significant other or employee is incompetent you can justify being contemptuous, controlling and blame them for shutting down, not being engaged or even depressed.

We project collectively as well as individually.  Starting a war, dominating others, performing ethnic cleansing or genocide is actually frighteningly easy.  All we need to do is demonize our enemy, make people afraid of them and smear those that don’t support us as unpatriotic. By making people afraid it is easier to control them and  discriminate against the “out”  groups.

It is one of the oldest tricks used in history  (If  history teaches us one thing we don’t learn from history) and easy. For example,  Hitler realized that a lie repeated often enough no matter how far removed from truth will be accepted as fact.    The Nazis projected onto the Jews the worst qualities that they could not face in themselves. They blamed the Jewish people for Germany’ problems; accusing them about wanting to take over the mass media, universities, the financial markets, the country even the world.  Even the German women!  All this described  the Nazi’s!   These beliefs laid the foundation for them to murder over six million people for the crime of being Jewish.    Then they did what they blamed the Jews for:   The Nazis  took over the banks, industry, controlled mass media, and higher education, started WWII and treated the German women like cows whose main purpose was to reproduce and be servile.

Psychologists’ have shown that the unspeakable atrocities that were committed by the Nazi’ s  is not only a German phenomena – we all have this  capacity as well. Witness the  ethnic cleansing of Rwanda, the Sudan and our own Native Americans (in a noble sounding term like Manifest destiny).  Indigenous peoples all over the world have been  under assault. ( Derrick Jenkins)  One day I hope that religions will all live up to the teachings of their prophets and be a source of healing the worlds pain rather than being a cause of it.  As so aptly put: Nobody know the age of man but everyone agrees he should know better. (unkown)   “Man’s capacity for self deception is truly monumental”. Yoram Kaufman.

An important key to being responsible and having a healthy relationship to self and others is to own your projections. So whenever you get angry or emotionally charged at someone during an encounter – ask yourself what part of me I am not owning?    Then notice how the energy of the encounter shifts.  You will be able to better see who that person is.

As Marion Woodman writes:  “To be psychologically free is to be confident in our own inner world, responsible for our own strengths and weaknesses, consciously loving ourselves, and therefore, able to love others”  It is up to each of to be more conscious, self aware and mindful of our impact on others.  Carl Jung was asked if there is hope for the world and he said ” There is hope – if enough people do their inner work”   For our outer world to be healed;  enough of us need to take this journey.  It all begins with a first step.

If I can blame you for how I feel, I  don’t have to feel bad or responsible for the role I am playing  in a difficult or dysfunctional relationship.    Or for that matter  not achieving what I want or figuring out what is truly meaningful or worth moving towards.. The games we play allow us to judge others.  This makes us feel superior and it  feels good to better than someone else.

When we are mean, abusive, passive aggressive and hurtful to to others we can justify it because:  he or she or they deserve it!   That is how we can treat others with disrespect, contempt or take advantage of them..  because we have judged them as unworthy of our regard or understanding.

It is is also true that if we feel badly about ourselves or have judged ourselves in less than charitable ways we may also train others to treat us to reinforce the way we feel about ourselves.   And then make up an assumption that: You can’t trust people, people take advantage of you, it’s hopeless….

To further insulate ourselves against the pain or discomfort of taking responsibility for our role in the conflict, pain or dysfunction in our lives ; we have an elaborate set of psychological defenses designed to keep us from being aware of how we may be sabotaging what we are striving for.   Defenses protect us from the pain of an unpleasant or painful reality we either can’t or won’t face.  We all have defenses and they do serve a role – however,  it is the over use of them that gets us into trouble and makes it difficult to respond appropriately to the needs of a situation or persons we are in having difficulties  with.   My experience has been the more emotionally secure a person is the less a need to be defended.  The more insecure the greater the defensiveness.  I have also noticed,  the more educated or successful a person is : the more elaborate their defenses often are.  If  someone  is not very secure; a PhD, JD or MD while giving a powerful external validation will not by itself help someone find inner security if they do not already have it.  James Hollis an internationally known Jungian analyst  says “we all have issues and those with particularly disturbing issues become psychologists!” The wounding and healing can allow one to be a “wounded healer” .  When one does not do his or her work; one often becomes a wounded wounder who  wounds others by his or her wounds.  The wounded wounder  identifies with the wounding and also sees the world through the lenses of the  emotional wounds that often happened early in life.   This template, pain  or view  is usually unconscious.  When we are not aware and remain unconscious, the unconscious beliefs, attitudes and expectations can and often sabotage  the things we most deeply desire on a conscious level.

When we are secure enough to be open to the awareness of our issues and responsible for our growth , healing,  self limiting beliefs and nonproductive behaviors;  we grow and can exert a powerful force for healing. Self acceptance, forgiveness and self  love is the key.  As Paul Tillich stated ” the state of “Grace” comes from accepting ourselves even if we feel we are unacceptable”.   Thus the compassion that comes from the healing of our wounding helps us in  being  very effective as a therapist, coach, teacher trainer, friend, manager, parent  or writer.

I believe if anyone says that they are self aware they are not.  Just as in India anyone who claims to be enlightened is considered not to be. We are all works in progress.  A danger in thinking we have done our work is that if we have a conflict with someone – than naturally it will be their fault or their issues that caused it.

“To be psychologically free is to be confident in our own inner world, responsible for our own strengths and weaknesses, consciously loving ourselves, and therefore, able to love others”.   Marion Woodman

In the next posting we will look at our security operations – lets call it our own  homeland defense strategies.

January 17, 2011

Peter Metzner

“To Honor and accept one’s own shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It is whole making and the most important experience of a lifetime”.  Robert Johnson

What is the “Shadow”?

Our Persona is what we would like to be and how we wish to be seen in the world.  It is our psychological clothing and mediates between our true selves and the environment.

Our “ego” is what we are and know about consciously.  We need it and it contains  our identity.  It is when we become “inflated”  or “deflated” that we run into difficulties, feel separate, self sabotage and  often hurt others.

Our “Shadow” is that part of us we fail to see or know.

These are the refused and unacceptable characteristics of our personality.  Those parts we are not aware of in a conscious sense.  They can even be some of the noblest aspects of our personality.

These refused or unacceptable parts don’t go away. They collect in the dark corners of our personality and when hidden enough they take a life of their own. If  our shadow  accumulates more energy than our ego, an overpowering rage can erupt  or an indiscretion may  slips out.   Like the famous televangelist adamantly opposed to homosexuality and then caught having a seven year  relationship with a male prostitute and other men in his church.  Or the famous New York  governor and former Attorney General crusading against corruption – and then found to be spending thousands of dollars on call girls.

Our  Shadow can be a source of  depression or an accident that that seems to have its own purpose. (C G Jung)

Ignoring the “gold” in our personality can also be as damaging.  According to Jung, some people may suffer a severe shock or illness before they learn to let their gold out.  This gold is our hidden talents, creativity and abilities that are seeking an outlet.  If we do not allow them a place in our lives we can feel empty or like we are missing out on a major part of life.

Generally the first half of life is devoted to the cultural process discipline, gaining skills, raising a family, establishing oneself in the world…..

The second half  of life offers the opportunity to restoring the wholeness (making holy) of life.  When we are stuck,  this often is seen as the “mid life crisis.”

To admit and acknowledge our shadow is to admit that there are many more sides to us than the world usually sees.   A great insight from Jung “the ego and shadow come to the same source and exactly balance the other.  To make light is to make shadow; one cannot exist without the other.

The more refined our conscious personality; the more shadow we have built up on the other side.

According to Robert Johnson: “to own one’s shadow is to reach a holy place – an inner center – not attainable in any other way. To fail in this is to fail in one’s own sainthood and to miss the purpose of life”. *

Rituals to balance the shadow.

Catholic mass

Fine works of art

Less effective ways: watching horror movies gangster epics, violence, murder mysteries.

To refuse out dark side is to store up or accumulate the darkness, later being expressed as a black mood, psychosomatic illness,…

As a whole,  society has worshiped the light side and refused the dark.  This residue appears as war, economic chaos, strikes, racial or even religious intolerance. (Robert Johnson)

Any repair of our fractured world must start with individuals who have the insight and courage to own their own shadow.

Nothing “out there” will help if the interior projecting mechanism of human kind is operating strongly. Jung was asked if there is hope for mankind?  He answered only if enough people do their inner work.

“A whole generation can live a modern, civilized life without ever touching much of its shadow nature.  Then predictably, (twenty years usually) that un-lived shadow will erupt and a war will burst forth that no one wanted but to which everyone (both men and women) has contributed. (Johnson )  There are better ways of coping with shadow but until they are commonly known and practiced; we will continue to have these outbursts in their most destructive form.

The greater the civilization; the more intent it is upon its own destruction.

Our work then is; for each of us to pick up our own dark side, combine it with our hard earned light, and make something better that the opposition of the two. This is the meaning of holiness…. Making whole or integrating our psyches.

Pitfalls to watch out for:

Projection. Projection is always easier than assimilation. “Whenever there is an emotionally charged encounter between two individuals a projection is taking place”  (ML von Franz)   – What I or we can’t accept in ourselves we project onto the other.

Examples:

Men lay their shadows on Women

Whites upon blacks

Germans on Jews

Muslims on Hindus

Christians on Muslims (and vice/versa)

Republicans on to Democrats (Good examples of this can be seen on Fox News, Glenn Beck  or by listening to Rush Limbaugh)

Democrats on to Republicans

It may be that historically we have coped with our shadow by projecting it on an enemy.  But modern man cannot continue this dangerous process. “The evolution of consciousness requires us to integrate the shadow if we are to produce a new age.”  (Johnson page 33. Owning your Shadow)

Awareness needs vigilance for “Our capacity for self deception is truly monumental”. (Kaufman)

William Blake spoke about the need to reconcile these two parts of the self.  We should go to heaven for form and hell for energy – and marry the two. “When we can face our inner heaven and our inner hell, this is the highest form of creativity” .   This is what  becoming whole is and holy.

When we can love our inner enemy i.e. our own shadow then there is a chance of loving the outer and redeeming the outer.  If enough of us do this individually then collectively we will move towards healing the world.

Suggested reading: Inner Work, Using Dreams & Active Imagination For Personal Growth, Owning Your Own Shadow- Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche by Robert Johnson.

“Why Good People Do Bad Things” by James Hollis